Disclaimer: All things Trek belong to Paramount. The story is mine.
Summary: This is an episode addition to equinox. This is what I think needed to happen at the end.
Authors note: I thought that equinox was a really good episode it gave us look at the passionate and crazy side of Kathryn Janeway; which I personally was starting to miss. I have to thank my beta Spazzo; you’re great this wouldn’t have come out half as good without you. Ok people here the story, be gentle and enjoy!
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I always try to keep my promises, especially the ones I make to my best friend. So, I was there. I made myself go because like I said I try not to break those promises. I had promised him earlier on the bridge that I would go to the party on holodeck, so here I’m. The crew seems a lot more clam than the last time I saw them. Of course that was while I was still on my “vendetta”- as Chakotay called it. Everyone was or shall I say still are very nervous whenever I’m near them. They think I didn’t notice the looks that where flying between Harry, Tom, and Be’Lanna on the bridge but I notice. A good captain always knows everything that goes on in her ship. Not that anyone thinks of me as a good Captain anymore which I guess is better. At least it’s better for them, especially him that way they wouldn’t get disappointed at me again or at least not as easily.
I couldn’t really stand at the doors of the holodeck all night, so I start my rounds with the crew. I said hi to all of them and asking how they were doing this evening. They answer and look at me a bit funny like if their trying to figure out if I’m sane again. I start to feel uncomfortable when not just a few but all of them look at me that way. I make my way to the bar and get myself a drink. One taste and I could tell how bad the crew really feels, it’s the real thing. Real alcohol, no one has had any that I know in about a year. But it feels good to drink real alcohol for once, I have never been big on alcohol, but there have been occasions through out my life when I felt that nothing else would really help me. This I guess could be defined as one of those times, I have hit rock bottom in front of my crew. I wouldn’t doubt that I’ve lost the respect of a lot of them, the senior staff in particular. I haven’t talked to them jet, well almost, I talked to Chakotay today he was the one who invited me. Can you believe that after all I did to him during this little adventure of ours he is still being so damn kind to me? It annoys me some times that he could just forget things so quickly. No I’m lying he doesn’t forget, he just tries to move forward and continue with his life as soon as possible. I envy him because of that, I always drag things out forever, never forgetting and never forgiving.
I decided that I should really find somewhere to seat, I couldn’t just stand by the drinks all night; the crew would start to think that I just came to get drunk. I walked in the direction of my regular table; it’s in one of the dark corners. That’s when I hear someone calling from the direction of the pool table. “Captain, have a drink with us.” It’s Tom! Shit I can’t just say no and walk out of the holodeck that would be something too rude for a captain to do. I walk his way; he’s at a table with Be’Lanna, the Doc, Seven, and Tuvok. Gods even Tuvok is here. I got to the table and say hello to everyone there, “I’ll get another round of beer. Oh, Captain what are you having?” He asked, all of them where drinking beer.
Maybe I wanted to blend in, or maybe I didn’t want him to know I had gotten something as strong as a whiskey, either way I lied and said, “Tom a beer would be fine.”
I guess it was that the glass was different or maybe Tom wanted to be extra nice due to the fact that Be’Lanna was really angry at me and it showed on her face. “No way Captain, you’re drinking something different. Its fine I’ll get whatever it is.”
That’s when Chakotay and Harry came over, I guess they were playing pool; I wasn’t really paying much attention to anyone who wasn’t at the table at that moment. “Its whiskey, Tom and get me one too.” Chakotay said. Just how the hell he knew what I was drinking? I have no idea.
I must have looked surprised because Tom answered the question laughing. “Guess you’re spoken for Captain.” Tom left the table while everyone at the table laughed.
Tom came back with the drinks, six beers and two whiskeys. Chakotay pulled a chair for me to sit next to him. I took a sip of my drink and looked at him, “A game Commander?” He looked up and raised an eye brow, but followed me all the same. I got a cue for each of us, while he racked up the balls.
He let me brake by saying, “Ladies first.”
I broke and sank four solids; then I set up for my next shoot. It wasn’t that difficult and I sank it easily. But I missed the next, it was his turn. He set up and started making his move; he sank two before I asked what I wanted to know. “Chakotay how did you know it was whiskey?” He missed that third shoot.
As I circled the table, lining up my next shot, he answered, “Well, I figured that we just came out of a very bad situation and that you would probably be drinking something stronger than coffee tonight. I know you Kathryn, you’re probably letting your guilt get the better of you.” He came up behind and whispered in my ear, “I didn’t mean anything by answering for you Kathryn. It’s just that it was taking you a hell of a long time to tell Tom. I’m guessing you didn’t want them to know you where trying to get drunk, ha?” Well that certainly was not what I was expecting. But then I had to ask myself what was I expecting? Did I expect for to be his usual kind and sweet self and spear my feelings? Hardly. “I’ve been waiting all this years to see if you would ever let it get to you, to the point that you couldn’t hide it from them any more.”
While he was talking I had sank the last of my balls and was already setting up for the eight ball, “maybe you should pay a little more attention to me now.” He looked at the pool table as I sank the shoot. “I just beat you Chakotay.”
He looked at me and smiled, “Oh, I do pay attention to you Kathryn.” He had this amused look in his eyes, that sent shivers down my spine and I don’t know why exactly. “And that’s exactly why I never have drank in front of you.”
There was nothing I could say that would get the conversation back to a safe place. We were just standing there looking at each other, when Tom came over. “Hey, I get to play the winner.” He stated as he went to the rack and got a cue for himself.
“Then I guess that you’re playing Kathryn, Tom.” He looked at me and smiled then went back to the table.
When I recovered from him calling me Kathryn instead of Captain in front of the crew, I looked at Tom he had the biggest grin on his face. “Well, shall we? Kathryn.” Tom had called me by my first named- that is something that Chakotay is going to have to pay for.
“I just won so you break, Tom.” And so we started the game. It didn’t take long for me to beat Tom. We laughed and headed for the table. I seat down, and found that there was a very heated conversation going on. And apparently there ere two sides. One was Chakotay, Be’Lanna, and Harry, while the other was Tuvok and Seven. As soon as we sat down, Harry asked “what do you think captain could a crew have too much loyalty for a captain? You know enough to blind them.”
“Yea, Kathryn what do you think?” Tom echoed, emphasizing my first name. At that point I was ready to kill Chakotay.
Everyone at the table was looking at as if waiting to see if I was going to kill Tom or not. “Well no, I don’t think so. I mean I know that a crew could be really loyal, but that doesn’t mean that they stop thinking for themselves.”
Harry nodded his head, but spoke to disagree “I’m sure that is true, but they will follow their superior, because of their emotions; I mean we are only human.”
Chakotay broke in “I have to agree with Harry. Well I’m out, does any else need a refill?” Every one except Seven said they needed a refill. The doctor explained tat she didn’t hold her liquor well. “Help me Kathryn?” Chakotay asked. I stood and followed him to the bar.
“When we’re done here I want to talk to you in your quarters or mine if you prefer.” I looked up at him, “If its ship business I think it can wait …” He cut me off mid sentence “No Kathryn its not, any way it can’t wait.” Just like that he had made my mind up for me. He had also answered my unspoken question this couldn’t wait until tomorrow, making me think once again that he knows me too damn well for his on good.
We walked back to the table and set the drinks down. The rest of the evening went by with pleasant conversation. By the time it ended the entire senior staff was calling me Kathryn just to bother me. All of them, except Tuvok of course. It really felt good to someone other than Chakotay called me Kathryn. As the evening started to wine down I excused myself. “Even thought the evening has been delightful I have to say goodnight. I have an early shift tomorrow.”
I got up and was about to leave when Chakotay spoke “Well I guess I should go too. I’ll walk with you Kathryn.” And we both exited the holodeck together and headed for my quarters.
We didn’t talk until we where inside my quarters. “You didn’t think that I would let you get away that easily did you Kathryn?” He was coming closer to me; I stepped back and headed for the replicator.
“Something to drink Chakotay?” He shook his head but I order two glasses and a bottle of wine anyway. “No, I just felt like coming home that’s all. Any way what do we need to talk about?” We had made our way to the coach as I spoke; we sat each at an end of the coach. I had set his glass in front of him.
“Kathryn about what happened with Ramson…”
I cut him off before he could get any further “Chakotay I owe you an apology. What I gave you on the bridge today was a sorry excuse for one. I am sorry Chakotay I know that what I did was very wrong and that sending Tuvok to reinstate you was even worse. But I couldn’t face you at that moment in time. I felt so stupid for everything that had gone on. But that does not justify” Just as he was about to open his mouth to respond, I added with a smile, “It doesn’t justify you calling me Kathryn in public and so carelessly that Tom had to go and do it too.” He laughed and I felt like if the sun had just come out.
We sat there drinking a good bottle of wine and just talking. Gods, he is too damn nice for his own good, he just acted like nothing had happen. I think that it bothers me a little to know that I can do no wrong by him. That he will always be there, forgiving and forgetting. But I also liked that evening, he stood up to ‘me’ in front of the whole senior staff. I mean it was kind of exciting; before I could do anything he had made my mind up for me about the whole drinks situation with Tom. I like when he tells me what he really thinks about me. But I do hate when we fight, every time we fight I die a little. And every time we fight I wonder why I have to be the one to make all the hard decisions, and why most of the time we come out loosing. We talked all night, and then he excused himself, at around two am, the perfect gentleman as always. But this time he gave me a kiss- tiny, gentle kiss on cheek said “sleep well my Kathryn” and left.
It may take some time for things to get back to normal on Voyager. Even longer for the crew to forgive me for putting them at risk. But something good came out of all this, I have hope now. Hope that he still loves me and that in the future I will truly and completely be his.
Finn